


Onto Me and All Over Me

by lexiesdilemmas



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Lexie loves Mark so fucking much guys, Pining, why did they have to die
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-27
Updated: 2017-11-27
Packaged: 2019-02-07 11:12:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12839961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lexiesdilemmas/pseuds/lexiesdilemmas
Summary: You made flowers grow in my lungs, and although they are beautiful, I can't fucking breathe.





	Onto Me and All Over Me

**Author's Note:**

> This is one of the longer things I've written! I got a bit of inspiration from Gravity by Sara Bareilles. This is basically more of a character study on Lexie than anything, but. Here you go!

From the moment she'd first fallen for him, everyone had told Lexie that he was a bad idea. Mark Sloan was a serial player, a man who slept with someone and immediately moved on to the next. Despite this, well-- as Alex would put it, her heart was in her goddamn vagina. She sleeps with him once, and again, and then _again_ , and soon enough they're going on dates, and she's happier than she's been in a long time. Here's the thing about Mark: he's a good person. Maybe he'd been brought up to think that settling down was a tragic thing, maybe he was perfectly happy being the man-whore of Seattle Grace Mercy West, but Lexie somehow managed to look past his flaws and see the good. He was the type of person that brought her things to cheer her up, the type of boyfriend who helped her study and sent her reassuring texts before any of her assessments. He was good to her, and that was the problem. When things actually ended for them-- she could tell herself she was fine all she wanted, but deep down, she was hopelessly, endlessly in love with him. It was like they were almost meant to be.

_- &-_

It's a calm day in Seattle. After a routine procedure early in the morning, Lexie's been mostly sitting around filling out all of the necessary paperwork. _God_ , she thinks with a sigh, _there'll only be more of this when I'm actually an attending_. Her robotic signing of papers that all look the same is brought to a close by someone standing next to her at the counter clearing their throat. Eyebrows raised, she looks over and is taken aback to find him there, catching her eyes as soon as she looks up. "Mark!" 

His smile is a soft, apologetic one, just as it is in her memory whenever she thinks of him. _The same one he wore when telling her he'd gotten Callie pregnant_ \-- _God_. "Hey, Lex. Are you busy? I was just hoping we could talk, maybe go out later and grab a drink. I miss talking to you." 

It's so hard to bury her heart back down from her throat when he looks at her with those soft eyes, when he smiles just so and she can _swear_ she still loves him _._ "Oh, yeah, yeah! That sounds nice, actually, I've been really busy what with being a resident and everything, and Derek and I have been working really hard to figure out what to do with this tumor, 'cause it's, like--" deep breath, slow down, "--um. Sorry. But yeah, that sounds... Nice. Joe's?"

His confident smirk paired with a wink does nothing to quell the ache in her chest. "You know it, Little Grey. See you there."

When he turns around, she can't look away, entranced by the one person she's ever truly been sure she's loved. _Why are these things always so hard?_

_- &-_

It's different when he's in love with someone else. Lexie's never really thought of herself as a vindictive person, but seeing him with Julia- it hurts. It hurts enough for her smiles to be a little more fake, for her laugh to be a little more forced. It even hurts enough for her to throw a softball right at Julia's boob. Metaphorically. Maybe a little literally. Maybe a lot literally, because before she knows it the other team is surrounding Julia with concern, and Mark is just there, with her, holding her like the concerned _asshole_ he is-- and Lexie's not vindictive, but it sure as hell felt fucking good to hurt her.

It's purely coincidental that she hit Julia of all people. That's what she tells Jackson, anyways. It was a mistake, _I thought she was gonna steal!_ But she didn't, and she thinks Jackson knows that. At least Mer seems to get it, handing her a bottle of Jack and telling her to _drink up, sis._ Fine, if drinking will make Mark stop looking at  _Julia_ like he used to look at Lexie. 

Okay, maybe she's a _little_ vindictive.

_- &-_

The cold air makes her vulnerable. That, combined with months of watching him love someone else. It's enough to eat her from the inside out, slowly dragging her down and down and down until she just can't stand it anymore. The thing about love is it can't be contained. You can't just mash it down and ignore it and hope it will go away. Even if the person you love is with someone else, it persists. It clings onto the slightest hope that they might come back to you, that somewhere inside of themselves they still love you. They'll turn around and come back to you and it'll have all been some cruel trick of the light. That unhappiness that's been eating you up inside will fade, and suddenly you can be filled with sunshine and happiness and love again, because it was true, what you wanted to believe for so long.

Things don't always go that easy, however.

Lexie doesn't know where she started with this, but the words keep coming, and Mark looks like he might cry just from _looking_ at her “--and I just can’t think about anything or anybody and I can’t sleep. I can’t breathe. I can’t eat. And I love you. I love you all the time. Every minute of every day. I love you. God, that feels good to just say that. I feel so much better. _I love you_. ” And it's quiet, after that. There's a weight taken off of her shoulders, it almost makes her lightheaded. She told him. Perhaps the most brave thing she's ever done, and he's not saying anything.

It's clear why when Julia walks outside to find him, and things go right back to how they were before.

_- &-_

She can't feel her arm.

At this point, she's not sure it's even there.

Out of all the pain she's sure she's in but can't really feel, what gets to her the most is the frustration that Mark won't even hold her hand. She's dying, and he won't even hold her goddamned hand.

"I'm not holding your hand because you're not _dying_ , Lexie!"

She gurgles a laugh at that, blood gathering in her mouth. It's a metallic taste. She's not really fond of it. She thinks he's trying to lift the plane up off of her, but that won't do any good. She knows. The wing weighs more than he could ever dream to lift, especially in his injured state, and if he ever managed it he'd only reveal her severed arm and make her wounds bleed even faster. No, there's no escaping it. Lexie Grey is going to die here.

When she realizes she's dying, she thinks she might cry.

When he says he loves her, she certainly starts crying.

 _Meant to be._ It sounds nice, doesn't it? _Meant to be_ , like some fairytale where they don't suffer for each other and he's not laying on the forest floor to hold her hand while she bleeds out. Some fairy tale where they have three kids, two boys and a girl. Some fairy tale where it doesn't hurt.

Easy in theory, but terribly hard in practice.

 

 


End file.
